if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When are your genitals available?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
