You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
