I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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