i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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