i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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