Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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