I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
