The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
