Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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