Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The air was thick with penises
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
