sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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