my being single is dangerous.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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