Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
