I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
