My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
operation have a gay friend backfired
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
