sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They took my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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