i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
