Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
