Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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