i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
