I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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