omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
