wakey wakey hands off snakey
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
