I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
