So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
