We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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