jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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