I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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