I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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