Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
