My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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