My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
