My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
