My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
