Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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