Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
