Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
