are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
