i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
