you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
