So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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