I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I understand Curling. That high.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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