it was like his penis was on wheels.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
