I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
