I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
