We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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