I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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