Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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