I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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