I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
