xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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