if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
