like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
