when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Boobs speak an international language.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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