New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
