i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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