and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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